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The Pendulum
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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. ...read more

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever ...read more

You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you? ...read more

Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.

Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. ...read more

Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Se ...read more

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said: "I built a big house for our mother. ...read more

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box.
He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had p ...read more

One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away. ...read more

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately.
So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed h ...read more

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.

I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" ...read more

A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.

The following Sunday the church ...read more

A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a ...read more

Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew!

I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.

Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than go ...read more

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion.

The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjami ...read more

There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the invitation was given at the end of the service, she went forward wanting to become a member.

The pastor listen ...read more

At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the t ...read more

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. ...read more

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny Midwest town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews. ...read more

Reasons churches don't ask clown ministries to return ...read more

When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state, the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. ...read more

Two old friends met one day after many years.

One attended college, and now was very successful.

The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. ...read more

There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service," announced the pastor.

After the close of the service, the Church Board gathered at the back of the auditorium for the a ...read more

At a Wednesday evening church meeting a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony.

"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. ...read more

A little boy opened the big family Bible.
He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it clos ...read more

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying.

Flying made her very, very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her t ...read more

A Greek priest is driving down to New York to see a show, and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the flo ...read more

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battl ...read more

The top ten reasons men should join the church choir: ...read more

One Sunday a cowboy went to church.
When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. ...read more

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.
...:: Michelangelo ::..

I turned and turned. A thousandth time. The bench I was sitting on was rough, and my buttocks were blistering. The sun was hurrying to set, yet the Mp wasn’t up. They said that he was tired– from the long flight from the city the previous night. He was just taking a royal nap, a six-hour-long nap. So it was prudent for us to be patient. We waited, forever waited.
At a time when wild winds of political change were blowing fiercely in the Republic of Aynek, most seasoned political bigwigs were beaten by the young energetic greenhorns. However, Mobutu withstood and triumphed over this. He had represented Lusimo Constituency in parliament for the last thirty years. But did he really represent his people or stomach? People ceased not to wonder. In those decades, many a children were born, married and bore children. This generation was damn sure that it was being led by an ancestor. Mobutu was among the few sharp-minded people who knew how sweet power tastes. So he held onto it with both hands and legs.

Among the Aynekians, there is a common saying that if you want a man to worship you, control what goes into his stomach. Aynek is a land of great hunger and poverty. Most irate politicians like Mobutu take advantage of this to bribe voters and live in parliament as if it is their home. He would come with lots of money like sand and scatter all over for his constituents to pick. This usually culminated into violent exchange of fists, kicks and tearing of each other. The fact that he could bring us money, he told us, was an indication of great things to come. Who was there– man enough- to challenge him? We elected and re-elected him. Forever. But once a brilliant young turk rose to challenge him. Rumour had it that he was a government’s project– a conspiracy to weaken the opposition’s vast influence. Mobutu has been enduring the cold in opposition for all his years of disservice to us until recently when he decamped to join the government. ‘‘We need to eat too”, he came telling us. ” And you can’t get any meat to eat when you fight from outside. It’s inviting hunger fighting those in the slaughter house. Wa khwibakilo somukhoma tawe! What’s prudent is to join them. They may sympathize with you and throw a bone to you to lick.”

Mobutu didn’t take the challenge kindly. Nobody likes challenges, especially those designed to break him. He furiously condemned his political enemies and the government for conspiring to put him down. ”They don’t enjoy seeing me striving to emancipate my people from financial slavery,” he cried, then cursed: ”Them foes! Them foes!” He came closer to us– listening keenly to our grievances and literary raining money–than ever in the history of our constituency. To most
of us, it was like god has left the comfort of heaven to be with his people. Hell distanced itself from us for some time. That year, Mobutu won the election with a landslide. His opponent garnered 99 votes only.

Mobutu’s decision to ditch the opposition and join the ruling party wasn’t a welcome idea to anyone. The opposition condemned them for betraying the ideals you have cherished for ages. More so, it was a shot in the back for it meant loss of a massive number of votes from the Western region. A few skeptical brains in the ruling party didn’t like Mobutu at all. One is because they were afraid that he could on a political mission to mess the party and enable the opposition to
triumph. Two is that they knew him as a smart optimist who could maneuver and reap the most. So they started fighting him from the word go. But Mobutu was unbwogable! He is a grand master at political in-fighting; there was nothing new to him.
The newest constitution had created other newest political offices. Like the US, we were going to elect governors and senators in the forthcoming election. Mobutu, like any other politician of his age, saw this and expressed interest in being a senator. ‘‘As you know my people,” he said, ”I’ve served you as an mp for ages and I feel that I’m now too big for that seat. Please give me this bigger one… I’ll be in good position to fight for more money to be sent to our county. You see, such a tough task requires a fearless and no-nonsense fellow like me…” Most opportunists thought that senators and governors will be earning well. They ran for them. Mobutu won the election as his party was part of the Jubilee coalition. The most popular coalition with funny ideologies.

In its campaigns, the Jubilee flag bearers emphasized their desire to foster technological advancement. They pledged to start this by giving every kid a laptop. In addition, they said that maternal health care would be free. Most of us liked it and therefore, to benefit immensely, impregnated our wives again and again. Who didn’t want laptops in their house? But it’s sad to note that to date, nobody has ever seen the face of the Jubilee laptop. And with most schools in
pathetic conditions, one wonders if the laptops would be of any good to hunger-stricken and jigger-infested toddlers were they to be brought today. I don’t want to imagine what happened to the so-called-maternal-health. But things are bad today. Blatant corruption, tribalism, impunity, ignorance, insecurity, poverty etc.
We are under siege!

We have never heard from Mobutu since he went to the senate. His party, which is in power, has not honoured any single promise it made to us. Instead, it is working hard to finish us.


© wafula p’khisa


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